So This is why I'm Single

A catalog of bad dates and sexploits

Happily Unsingle

Hey homies – remember me?  I somehow managed to make it all the way into 2014, when it occurred to me that I never left ya’ll with any closure. Most of you will know this, but for those of you who don’t – early last year, I followed TimFerrissLookAlike out to the west coast! Yes, we had only known each other for like, two month, and yes, that makes me a total psycho, but – surprise! – we are still happily together!

It was a leap for me (a 3000 mile one), but it’s been one the best decisions of my life. I get my man, palm trees, a new job that I love, and a even a little doggie that I am probably unhealthily obsessed with. 

This isn’t meant to be a ~*~foLloW uR <3~*~, dance like no one’s watching post. But for real, Ellie Goulding said it best:

 

This is the official (long overdue) end to this blog. Wishing everyone a happy and awesome 2014.

-M

this can only end badly

Hello again, followers of my depressing life! It’s been awhile since I’ve written, and for good reason! I was, well, otherwise preoccupied, if you catch my drift (I was having lots of really good sex) for the last few weeks. Here’s the thing: the name of my blog may or may not have become a misnomer for a bit. As in, I’m kinda dating TimFerrisLookAlike now. You might be thinking, wow! How exciting! Good for you!

No. This is terrible. And I will tell you why.

Truth is, things have been going great with us. Like really, really, surprisingly great. Last weekend he managed to take me two-stepping, to a Marine Corps Ball, and to a shooting range. It was quite easily the most southern weekend of my life. It was also a blast. (Sidenote: coming from up north, the opportunity had never really presented itself to ride in the middle of a pick up truck. That was seriously just a line in a country song – I didn’t realize that was something people actually did. Well it is. And I love it.)

Two stepping was way too much fun. Basically spent the night getting twirled around listening to top 40 Country music. Then Saturday we drove down to Richmond for the Ball. Guys – do not underestimate the panty-dropping power of a uniform and an excuse for a girl to get dolled up in a gown. Also a nice hotel. Just saying.

We hit the shooting range on the way home on Sunday. I can share from experience: not only is a guy standing behind you teaching you how to shoot a semi-automatic weapon ridiculously hot, but when he demonstrates and hits the dead center of the bulls eye, prepare to get sexually assaulted by my vagina.

We spent most of this weekend hanging out in my bed again, surfacing for breakfast burritos and coffee. I hate myself for letting this happen, but I am totally falling for this guy. And I kind of hate him too, for insisting on taking things to the next level. He wants me to be his girlfriend, and me being totally head over heels stupid, stupidly agreed.

Why so stupid? Because he’s leaving. He’s being transferred out to the west coast, and then deployed out to the other side of the world. I’ve known the guy for like 6 weeks (which seems unbelievable to me), and come January, he’s gone for at least a year. So that will be the end of that. This relationship is now just a ticking time bomb. So why why why did he have to be so boyfriendy?? I would have happily gone along with a fling. This is why feelings are terrible and stupid.

For the first time in my life today I considered breaking it off as a form of self-preservation. That would be the smart thing to do. Why let things get more intense, and have the break up be that much more miserable? Because I am the worst. When I’m writing in January to inform all of you that my life is awful and my blog’s name has once again become accurate, remember that November Me was the first to say I told you so.

in which nothing goes according to plan

I’ve been thrown for a loop this past week. Here were my goals:

1. Get rage-y with my friends for Halloween, rock my bangin’ Lara Croft costume, and DFMO with some anonymous Magic Mike impersonator

2. NO FEELINGS

Fail on both accounts. Lets start with Number 1. Remember when I was mildly worried about the fact that my lymph nodes had exploded and my neck looked really gross? Turns out that was only the beginning. I woke up Friday morning to find it had nearly tripled in size. Clearly OJ and chicken soup were not enough to kick this sucker. This was ER status. I grab a cab to the hospital, ignoring the look of horror on the driver’s face, and I still have it in my head that I will be ready to rage come Saturday night.

But then the ER nurse takes one look at me and shoos me to the front of line, and I spend the next eight hours hooked up to IVs and trying to explain to medical students how this happened to me. I am ultimately admitted, and remain stuck in the hospital until Sunday (props to the awesome friends who brought me food and magazines – ya’ll are the best).

It goes without saying that I missed the Halloween festivities, and most likely my Magic Mike fantasy (although Channing Tatum, holla at your girl if you’re interested).

My big fail at Goal Number 2 is all TimFerrissLookAlike’s fault. I don’t know if you’ve ever spent too much time in a hospital, but it is devastatingly boring, especially if you feel fine. The nurse coming in to take your vitals becomes hugely interesting, and there are only so many episodes of NCIS a girl can watch. So TFLA talked to me on the phone for 2 HOURS, and then he SENT ME FLOWERS. What. What what what.

I am not emotionally ready for this. It has been six weeks since breaking up with X. I should still very much be in the anonymous sex phase. Still, when TFLA offers to drive up and see me when I get out, I am excited. I have a couple hours to get home and prepare for the Frankenstorm that will be making its way up the east coast, and I end up putting my makeup on in line at CVS while I buy some last minute hurricane preparation (The freak tumor on my neck has mostly gone away).

Suffice to say this guy is freakishly good at everything he does, and we do not leave my bed for 4 hours. When he heads out I have that buzzy feeling that inspired every single Taylor Swift song. Then I discover that the hurricane has gotten me out of work on Monday, and I text him to come over if he feels like playing hookie (although I’m fairly sure the military kind of frowns upon that). He texts me back at 9AM to say he’s off as well, and he’s coming over. I tell myself that the giddiness I’m feeling is merely excitement for good sex.

36 hours spent in my apartment hiding from the hurricane later (Tuesday gets cancelled too), and I am nothing short of hooked. What the hell is my problem? Going into singledom, I figured fun = good, feelings = bad. I promise you I am not trying to get into another relationship. And yet I haven’t even logged into OKcupid for a week and I’m ready to the claw the eyes out of any girl that looks at him.

Anyone have any recommendations for squashing feelings?

dying

So because my life has been going so awesomely recently, The Universe decided to give me another little treat this morning. I woke unable to swallow, and my throat so swollen that it looks like I’m trying to grow another brain on my neck.

I all but crawl to work in a largely delirious state, and when I arrive, I receive a text from an out-of-town friend who is in the area for a couple days. He is planning a big get together with a bunch of our college friends tonight. Now in all fairness, I went out with him and some other people last night (and had a few too many margaritas for a Wednesday). So when X texts me to see if I am going, I decide to be a big person and tell him I am willing to bow out if wants to see our friends without his ex-girlfriend around. I fully expect him to insist this will not be an issue (it’s what I would have done) but instead he responds, “Great! Thanks”

In the future, we’re probably going to have to learn to be around each other because about 99% of our friends are mutual. But for tonight I am planless. I was disappointed at first, but once I looked in the mirror, I realized it was probably for the best. From the neck up, I look like I should be yelling at midgets to get in my belly. Probably not the best look for going out, or seeing an ex.

On another depressing note (yes I realize I’ve been starting a lot of paragraphs this way. I think it is a testament to how my life is going right now), TimFerrissLookAlike called me this evening to confirm plans for this weekend. We’ve been talking and hanging out a bit for the last few weeks (more on that later), and actually one of my absolute favorite things about him is that he calls me! He doesn’t text. He calls. I know I am in the minority here for my generation but I love talking on the phone! It’s so much more efficient.

Anyway, he wants to see if I can go out two-stepping with him tomorrow night (!!), but I can tell now that:

1. I am not going to be physically up for that and

2. I am definitely not comfortable enough with him to let him see my Jabba the Hutt neck.

I explain to him that I got really sick, and I am huddling in my bed armed with antibiotics and chicken soup and I seriously get the sense that he thinks I am lying. I mean, you lie to your boss about being sick, not some guy. I may be paranoid, but this has happened to me before. In junior year of college I got an awful case of the swine flu (remember that?) and when I told this guy I had been hooking up with that that was the reason I couldn’t see him, he literally never called me again.

I am not blowing you off! I am dying of gross illness.

All I can say is this shit better be gone by Halloween.

you’re doing it wrong

An update to my previous post: ArmyCharlie finally texts me back to tell me he’s busy tonight, but starts up a whole conversation about the pros and cons of squash in seasonal foods. Guy. I’m definitely using you, but not for our witty rapport.

Also, there are obviously only pros in the case of squash in food. Get real.